thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
