Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
