I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
