i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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