stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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