The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
