I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
