my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
