I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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