I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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