On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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