How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
