Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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