i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
