He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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