shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
sex in a hospital.. check
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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