maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
