i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
