Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
