My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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