Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
