Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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