my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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