I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
