when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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