I puked a lego.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
