Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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