I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just had sex on a roof
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
