Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
