Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
