I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
