Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
