who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
