Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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