I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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