I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
