I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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