I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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