I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
