obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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