I'm pants shitting drunk right now
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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