So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
