Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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