It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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