Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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