Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
