You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
