I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
