i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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