So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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