I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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