She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize