Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
