All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
