Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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