i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize