i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
