I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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