Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
