i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
