you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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