you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
