Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
