it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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