Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
