the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
