I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
