hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
